Category Archives: Getting Through

Tips on how to get through life’s everyday challenges!

Anger Management, Getting Through, Health

Handling your Children During This Crisis!

As a Life Change Catalyst ™ Coach for the last 22 years, I’ve worked with moms and dads, children, teenagers, married couples, singles, abused women and men, handicapped, gay, straight, bi-sexual, and just about every other “type” of person out there.

But the ones that get to me the most are the mistreated children and the adults who were mistreated as children.

In no way is this an article on the “horrible bad people who beat on kids”.

This article is about what I see happening in our societies today as we continue with the needed isolation during this pandemic.

Most people are trying their best to comply while learning how to deal with lives that are nothing like we’ve seen before.

We are scared and worried. We read or know of people dying daily. We are stressed about our health, our livelihoods, our children, family members and friends. We are anxious and we’re tired. We’re so tired of living like this and yet we don’t know when it will stop.

This kind of juggling and adapting to the craziness of this whole thing is a huge stressor. And when people get stressed, they often act in ways they normally wouldn’t.

I’m daily seeing and hearing the fallout of this stress in the response of parents to one another and to their children. Adults are on edge and overwhelmed and their ability to respond calmly to children’s need and demands is getting stretched pretty thin. And kids are, at least unconsciously, aware of their parents anxiety which in turn fuels their fears and anxiety.

And…..because we love our kids, in our hearts we want to be the “perfect parent”.  But there are no “perfect parents”.

And we can help ourselves.

While raising my daughter, I had an epiphany during a fight with her. It was the typical fight of going over and over the same things and getting nowhere. And I was getting angry and stressed about it. Suddenly, out of the blue, the thought came into mind—what result did I want of this fight? It was like someone splashed cold water in my face. And I realized that all I really wanted was to love my daughter, keep her safe and help her.

Immediately, I calmed down. I felt like my fairy godmother had tapped me with her wand and completely changed my energy. No longer angry, my stress faded away and I calmly told her to just stop for a minute. At first, she thought I was being argumentative but realized how calm I was, and she calmed down.

From there we were able to resolve the issue with no anger or stress.

I know this situation we’re in is causing you to be stressed, upset, angry and a myriad of other negative emotions. And I know that you love your children and want the best for them. How you handle this event is teaching them how to handle things in their lives.

What if the next time you start to get mad, at the end of you rope or just tired of it all, you reminded yourself of what you want the end result to be. It takes some willpower to “be that adult” but I know that anyone who is willing can do it. Focusing on the end result is more important than trying to win a fight. As parents, our job is not to win fights but to teach our children how to handle life’s ups and down.

Take a deep breath……think of the outcome you want…..and relax. You can do this!

For more information on how to handle things in your life go to: https://www.debrafentress.com/Articles.html

If you’d like to talk, you can call me at (818) 422-2474 or email at: Debra@DebraFentress.com

Change, Getting Through, Health, Hypnosis, Self-Hypnosis

How to get through this whole and healthy

I’ve had so many calls and emails from clients about the Coronavirus that I thought it might be a good idea to put out some ideas on handling the situation that aren’t generally talked about.

There’s a lot of fear involved with this thing. It’s such an unknown, can happen really fast and we’re not used to being so isolated. It’s like we don’t have any more support systems.

And unfortunately, we’ve had contradictory and sometimes very dangerous news related to it.

One problem with fear is what happens to our bodies when we feel it. Did you know our bodies release 1400 physical and chemical reactions as well as hormones when we get stressed or fearful? And even when the fear or stress stops our bodies will still continue to produce adrenaline and cortisol, which affects blood pressure, impairs our memory and immune response, there are digestion problems, blood sugar instability and high levels of cholesterol!

There are many places you can go online and find the typical stress response and fear tips.

BUT…..instead of talking about the general things you can do, I’d like to approach this using tested methods from Neuro Linguistic Programming, Medical Hypnosis, Neural Pathway Restructuring™ and spirituality.

Even though some of these seem so simple they still work!

One of the best tips you can use if you keep running fearful thoughts in your head is to pay attention to what you’re thinking. The minute you hear yourself saying things like:

“What if I get it? (or he/she or my child or my parent) Before going any further with the thought, say very loudly in your head “STOP!” If you do it again….say “STOP!”

Then, replace that thought with another on a more rational note. For instance: “I don’t have it! I’m doing everything I know that will help keep me well. I will stay healthy!”

You might have to do this several times before you stop the negative chatter.

This process eventually stops the repetitive thoughts and it also, unconsciously, gives us a sense of control over the situation. That’s a part of the issue with this virus. We feel like so much is out of our control. So anything we can do to feel like we’re actually doing something will help us handle it.

Another thing you can do to feel in control of this is to use self hypnosis. Hypnosis has had a bad rap for awhile but now hospitals and doctors are using it, first responder units use it and many coaches and therapists do so as well.

It’s not a trick. It’s a way to talk with and utilize the amazing ability of our body and mind.

You can use this simple process to de-stress, begin to “see” your body as a vibrant healthy organism or just as a break from all the craziness.

Go somewhere you can relax and not be disturbed. If it’s not a quiet place, then if possible, wear headphones. Noise really isn’t an issue….I’ve done this sitting at the entrance to Toon Town at Disneyland!

Take a few slow deep breaths. You might try breathing in slowly and then exhale, taking twice as long to do so. After about 5 of these you’re ready for the next step. Now, as you continue to breathe slowly and deliberately, pay attention to how, when you breath in, you can feel the relaxation start at the top of your head and move down your body. You might have to do several of these breaths to get all the way down your body.

Once you’ve got the hang of it……in your mind begin imagining that as your breath moves through and down your body it’s pushing all the stress, unease and fear further and further down your body and out the bottom of your feet. Keep this imagery up until you can feel that there is no more stress or fear sitting in your body.

Then sit with it or just slowly bring yourself back to “reality”.

If you’re more inclined toward the spirituality technique, follow the above to the “next step”.  And then:

…….Focus your attention on the area just above your head. Imagine you can feel a vibrating healing energy of the universe. You might even see it as a shimmering green ball of light. Now as you continue with your slow and deep breaths, imagine this ball of green healing energy of the universe flowing slowly down into your head, neck, shoulders, arms, torso, hips, legs and feet. As you do so, notice that you can also see all the cells in your body beginning to glisten with vibrant health. Not only do they glisten with health they begin to vibrant with it as well.

You can continue this for a while, allowing the energy to just melt into your body as it becomes a greenish glistening body of healthy energy.

Focus on the idea that your cells are healthy and vibrant. Continue with this until you’re ready to come back into the room.

Just to give you an idea of how impactful these techniques can be—when I was in my twenties I was diagnosed with cancer. I had recently completed a course in some of these techniques by an amazing teacher. She had us test our abilities to alter our body’s responses by hooking us up to various machines and then having us change our blood pressures, our heart rate and also our brain waves. I figured if I could do that I could heal myself of cancer. And I did! ( much to the surprise of my doctor) To this day I never had any more cancer.

If you would like more information or suggestions or if you need some help, please contact me at (818) 422-2474 or email me at debra@neuralpathwayrestructuring.com

Stay Well!

Getting Through

It’s That Time Again! How to Get Through the Family Holidays

There’s an old saying that you can pick your friends but not your family. This seems particularly true around the holidays.

As a Life Change Catalyst™ I see clients every year stressing over how to deal with the relatives during this season. For many, it’s a time of celebration and a time of dread. But, it can be better by following a few tips for handling specific types:

The Drama Queen

We’re all more alike than you might realize. We want love, attention and respect. Which is usually what the Drama Queen is after. Unfortunately, she will suck the energy right out of you. Your best option is to never ask how she’s feeling about anything. If she still pulls the diva act, listen for a few minutes and politely excuse yourself by pointing out that you appreciate her pain but you’ve got to (go to the bathroom, help in the kitchen, check on your children). Then LEAVE!

The Nosy Inquisitor

These guys are my favorites. For some reason they feel it’s okay to ask the most personal questions. Questions like: Married yet? When are we going to hear the sound of little feet? What, you still haven’t found a job? You’re not going to eat that are you?

The best response I’ve ever seen is to look them directly in the eye and very calmly say, “I’m sorry. What did you ask me? I must have heard that incorrectly.” If they repeat it, again, calmly say “What, you asked me what?” You must say this with a straight face and no anger. Odds are they will get how rude they are or be too embarrassed to repeat it.

The Uncle with Loose Hands

You know this guy. His hugs are a little too long. He always wants to kiss you on the lips. And he won’t keep his hands from straying. What to do? You don’t want to make a scene but you want him to stop.

The best way to handle this guy is to loudly, without anger, point it out. Say something like, “Uncle Bob, I save those kind of kisses for my husband, my boyfriend, my _______!” “Uncle Bob, you’re crushing me!” “Uncle Bob, did you mean to put your hand on my breast?”

Instead of worrying about saving his face, lay it out. I’m sure you won’t be the only women he’s tried this with. As long as you do it without anger or throwing a scene, you can put a stop to his antics and keep the peace.

The Know it All

Just remember with this person…..they have a need to be right. It’s not all about showing you up. They need something to boost their ego and self worth.

The easiest way to handle this one is to give them what they want: agree with them. When they begin to tell you how to do something better, just respond with that they are probably right but this time you want to try it a different way. It’s more adventurous. Even if they argue, hold to the story and remember it’s not about you. It’s their need to feel good about themselves.

The Downer

Whenever I’m around the “downer” person I always think of the Charles Shultz character “Pig Pen”. Everywhere he went, he carried a cloud of dirt over this head and left dirt behind him. This is like the downer. They spread their negative energy wherever they go.

Your task is to avoid starting conversations with asking “how” something is/was. Instead ask what he or she liked best. If you get caught in the depressing tales of woe, chime in telling them you’ve been reading these great self help books on how gratitude and positive thinking helps us get through rough times.

One thing to remember is that it’s temporary. And hopefully, at least on some level, you do love these people. And most importantly……you teach people how to treat you.

Happy holidays and may all your get-togethers be joyful.

Getting Through

Why She Doesn’t Leave Him

As a Life Change Catalyst© coach for the last 16 yrs. I have worked with hundreds of women trapped in the Cycle of Abuse. Even though these women desperately wanted to leave the relationship, they felt powerless to completely remove themselves from their partner.

If they did manage to get away from him, invariably they would begin communicating, dating and many cases, getting back together.

Why? Why do smart, educated, empowered women in every other area of their lives but this one, continue to allow themselves to be abused?

After working with these women, it became clear to me that we had to approach this problem from something other than just removing a victim from the situation. Even if these women managed to get away and not involve themselves with another abuser, they would end up generating abuse in other ways: such as overeating, drinking, excessive exercising or diet, gambling, drugs….any addictive behavior.

They were seeking something that the Abuse Cycle was giving them. We weren’t working with just the beliefs about self worth or the desire to be loved. We were working with something that went even deeper.

All behaviors are repetitive strategies encoded in our brains as neural pathways that run automatically at the unconscious level. Not only do we generate neurological pathways of behavior in our brain, we become addicted to our own brain chemicals. Just as an addict must get high off an external chemical, we too can be addicted to a behavioral strategy which releases the sought after chemicals.

Let’s look at the Cycle and see what happens. There are four phases to the Cycle:

  1. The Abuse: the actual abuse takes place. It doesn’t matter if it’s physical, emotional or mental.
  2. The Neglect: the abuser begins to apologize, take some blame and begins to back off the abuse.
  3. The Honeymoon: the abuser acts as if everything is fine again. They usually respond to the victim with gifts, loving words and actions…in general, become the perfect partner.
  4. The Tension: the abuser can’t keep up the Honeymoon phase and begins to show signs of abuse again. The victim is aware that the abuse is about to start again.

The problem lies in the Honeymoon phase. During this stage of the Cycle, the victim begins to believe the abuser’s apologies, convinces themselves that this is the “true” person and “falls in love” all over again.

Unfortunately, the victim is also flooded with “feel good” neuro peptides during this phase of the Cycle.  This flooding of “feel good” neuro peptides creates an emotional addiction similar to drug addiction. These neuro peptides sub-sensitize the receptor cells, causing the body to crave more of them, without the victim actually being aware of what is happening.

She will then, unconsciously, seek out people or situations, which will stimulate the release of the peptides of the emotional addiction. If in a relationship, she will unconsciously trigger the abuse to get to the Honeymoon phase in order to get the release of the “feel good” neuro peptides.

In order to break out of this emotional and chemical addiction, the neurological pathway must be altered. Research has shown that we can actively affect how our brains can rewire themselves to create new neural networks and override pre-existing ones. As early as 1998, Merzenich and deCharms were saying that we actually choose how our minds will work which results in physical responses.

For anyone struggling with the Cycle of Abuse, there is hope. You can break out of this pattern and stay out!

One way that has been shown to rewire these strategies of behavior permanently is Neural Pathway Restructuring™.  Neural Pathway Restructuring™ alters the neurological habitual pattern of behavior so much so that it’s impossible to run it again even if you tried to.

If you or anyone you know is trapped in the Cycle please go to: http://www.neuralpathwayrestructuring.com

Getting Through

Managing to stay positive

Well, we’re 2 days into the Positivity Challenge and I was wondering how some of you are doing?

If you’re in a situation which is generating fear or anxiety while trying to be positive, this can be quite a challenge. Our mind will generally go to the well-worn path if left on its own. It’s the path of least resistance.

Unfortunately though, that path can lead us to negative feelings, memories and thoughts.

We are like film projectors. We take in information from the world, run it thru a filtering system in order to process it and then project that back onto the world. One of these filters is memories. If you’re experiencing a situation in your life right now which is causing you fear or anxiety, your mind will go back to the memories of similar events and that will re-enforce what you’re seeing and feeling.

Since the Law of Attraction works by attracting what you’re focusing on then you will attract more of the very thing which is causing you anxiety and fear! It’s a self-perpetuating cycle of attracting that which we don’t want.

If you find yourself continually bringing up a negative emotion, you’ll need to control this and redirect the mind to look for the positive. We have to somehow let go of the old movies that are playing in our minds.

To start, there is a technique which is a combination of Neuro Linguistic Programming and ancient wisdom.

Get in a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed. Make yourself comfortable and close your eyes. Imagine that you are in a theater with a balcony and you’re sitting in the balcony.

Now imagine that the situation or person that is creating the negative feelings inside you is on the stage below you. Notice how you feel and where the feelings sit in your body as you contemplate this person or event.

In your mind, begin a dialogue with the person or “thing” (imagining it can answer you) and ask these questions:

  • What is it I need to learn from you?
  • How are you a mirror of me?
  • What do I need to do to release or heal you?

Some of the key things to remember about the answers:

  • They need to be useful responses. Things like “You’re a jerk” are not useful….that’s just your knee jerk response.
  • Our world is always a mirror to what is happening inside us and sometimes we don’t like seeing it. Jung called this the Shadow Self. Do your best to be open to the answer.
  • Often times to release or heal, we need to correct something within ourselves or our world. If you are not willing to do the correction then this is a sign that you’re not really in alignment with what you want to manifest.

Once you have the answers and have agreed to the responses, then notice how the feelings have changed. If the negative emotions have not disappeared, you’ll need to go back and  repeat the process until they do.

It’s amazing what you can discover by doing this process and how you can get back in alignment with what you want to manifest. Once that alignment is in place, the universe  just opens up for you.

Please keep me posted on your progress!

Getting Through

Allowing for Failure

Whenever we begin a new endeavor or project, one of the first things that come up in the minds of most people is the fear of failing. This probably stops more people from doing things they’d like to try than anything else. After all, we are programmed from an early age that to fail is a bad thing. We are “bad” boys and girls if we don’t get the A in school. Or we’re stupid, clumsy, lazy, a flunky, a _______ (insert the word of choice) if we don’t do as well as someone else thinks or wants us to do.

It’s no wonder by the time we reach our teens or earlier, failure is a big fear for us.

What they don’t tell us is that failure is only feedback. It just means that we need to adjust the course. To do something different. We used to have a saying back in the south where I grew up—“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”. Not a very pretty saying but it sure gets the message across.

There’s always more than one way to do something. Maybe we just haven’t found it yet. And if we give up, we’ll never discover it.

The Navaho have a wonderful tradition when weaving their rugs. They know that we aren’t perfect beings so to leave room for God (Spirit’s) perfection they deliberately leave an imperfection in their work. On a rug it’s called a “Spirit String” and if on beadwork, it might be a bead in the wrong place. This allows Spirit to be a part of their work.

Although we aren’t perfect, we often seem to think we have to be. For many this can be a deeper issue of not believing they are worthy or maybe they are “less than”. These limiting beliefs keep us in a failure loop that plays out over and over in our lives. Most of these beliefs get created when we are children and take on what others say about us. Unfortunately, they’re much easier to create than to let go of.

If you feel like you’re carrying a limiting belief about your ability to be successful, here is one technique sure to help:

1.     Identify the belief you’re carrying.
2.  Notice how it makes you feel and where in your body you’re feeling it.
3.    Ask yourself: When did I develop this belief?
4.    Also ask yourself: Who was involved in the development of it and what was going on at the time?
5.    Now imagine that you can position yourself so that you are an observer of what is taking place.
6.    Notice who is doing the talking and what is being said.
7.    Notice how you are taking on this belief and whether it’s even valid at the time.
8.    Ask yourself these questions while at the “observer” position.
9.    Does this belief belong to me or am I just taking on someone else’s belief?
10.  Is the belief even true?
11. Is there a valid reason for this belief?
12.  What do I really believe about this and myself?
13.  By this time you should begin to notice differences in how your body feels compared to how it originally felt.
14.  Now, imagine you can take the new belief you have about yourself and play out 3 events in the future where you actualize that new belief and notice how different it is     for you.

So the next time you stop yourself from doing something for fear of failure, think about it as feedback, check for a Limiting Belief and remember: always co-create with Spirit. After all, we are spiritual beings having a physical experience.

If you need more help or feel this is a bigger issue, then why not check out Breaking the Abuse Cycle™ workshop coming up next month. Go to: http://www.debrafentress.com/breakingthecycle.html

Change, Getting Through

Welcome to the Life Change Catalyst Blog!

I know with all that’s happened in the last year many people are feeling stuck and worried about the future. And for some, it’s been a banner year.

What’s the difference?

How each one of us perceives things!

It’s our choice whether we give up, hang our heads and spout doom and gloom. And it’s our choice if we look at what’s happening in our lives and take the opportunity to figure out where we need to make the necessary changes. For many people, the changes in their lives have caused massive shifts which have been for the better. It might not have looked that way all the time but in the final analysis, they came out ahead.

One of our studentsI’m challenging all my readers to make the rest of 2010 the best part of the year! Make the decision and set the intention that whatever challenges you’re facing, you will discover the “silver lining.  It’s said that within every problem lies the solution…..if we just look for it.

In these blog posts, I’ll be writing about different ways you can make this your best year ever. Plus, we’ll post your success stories as you make the changes. Big or small, just write in and let us all know what you’ve done to improve your life.

If you’d like some help to take on this challenge, we’ve got several things to offer.

For those of you who want to work on specific issues in a private setting, there is always one on one coaching. I can be reached at debra@DebraFentress.com to explore this option.

 If you’d like to make some changes in a few days, there are several workshops coming up:

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What if you healed your past so it no longer affected you, altered your beliefs about yourself and could create your life the way you want? For many, it takes a life threatening disease or an accident to get them to change the way they’re doing things. But it doesn’t’ have to be that way! You can take the steps toward living the life your heart desires. Check out the Breaking the Cycle™ workshop on June 12 & 13. We’re extending the Special Pricing until May 28th to celebrate the new blog. To get in for $195.00 rather than $245.00 call me at 818-422-2474

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Want to find your purpose and reason for being here? On July 17 & 18, we have the workshop Soul Song™ Living Your Soul’s Purpose. Interested? Go to http://www.spiritsmuse.com/soulsong.html

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Want to understand how you create your behaviors and learn how to re-program the software of your mind for success. Neuro Linguistic Programming (N.L.P.)  is the art and science of modeling excellence in successful people and then reproducing that success. Learn how to create rapid, lasting change in your life or the lives of others.

N.L.P. w/Spirit© is a marriage of the latest advances in mind discoveries, quantum physics and the ancient knowledge of spirit and energy. Leaving out any one of these leaves the student or client unbalanced.

Whether you’re looking to learn more about yourselfr or for a new career, N.L.P. w/Spirit© is an opportunity for you to take your life to a whole new level. We’re running the training over a series of 5 weekends, once a month. To discover more go to: http://www.debrafentress.com/practitioner.html

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Whatever route you choose to make this your Best Year Ever, remember to Make a Decision, Have an Intention and Take Action!

Love and light, Debra